my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
