I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
