Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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