My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
