im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Houston, we have a squirter
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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