Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
