I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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