Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
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