When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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