if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
