he thought i was a dude.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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