Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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