Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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