I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
