The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
