College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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