Don't make out with my wife yet
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
