Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
