allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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