can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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