just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
