I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
