Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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