He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
