I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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