Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
