you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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