i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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