I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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