I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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