omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
