I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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