I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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