One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Slut skills are useful in every country.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
