i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
