im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
