I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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