I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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