U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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