I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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