I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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