I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
