he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
