How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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