so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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