Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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