The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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