I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
