Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
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