Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
