Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
