; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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